Rangel (tooker) wrote,

UC Chapters 17-22

I can’t comprehend why we are at his house, I just sit and stare at the grungy state of the place, wondering how it is possible that something as beautiful as Billy Martin could live in a place such as this. “Why?” I ask, neither of us have moved to get out of the car, it almost seems like he is hesitating, stalling. He sighs and turns to look at me, his fingers come to his mouth and he begins idly playing with his lip ring.

“Joel…” He says while dropping his fingers away from his mouth, “This is my life…” He gestures toward the house and laughs bitterly. I still don’t understand what he’s trying to show me, what point he is trying to make but I know this, his home is not something that makes him happy.

“Billy it’s fine.” I say immediately.

He laughs again, slow and sourly his head shaking and his eyes turning to his hands, “Yeah of course it is.” The words are spoken softly, as soon as they are said he lifts his gaze away from his hands and undoes his belt getting out of the car. “You don’t have to come in with me if you don’t want too…I mean, I’ll understand.” He shrugs while placing his hands on his door preparing to close it.

“I uh…” My brain as usual seems to stall as it looks for a reply, it’s not that hard yes or no I scream inwardly at myself.

“That’s fine.” He shuts the door obviously taking my lack of a decent reply as a no. I can hear disappointment in his tone and I automatically feel terribly guilty. My fingers fly to my belt and quickly undo it, and as quickly as I can I stumble out of the car. Billy is already approaching the front door his hand reaching for the knob.

“Billy wait!” He turns and looks at me, his hand dropping to his side as he waits for me to continue.


“I uh…I what to come.” He nods and shoves his hands into his pockets as he patiently waits for me to catch up to him. I jog to him stopping a foot in front of him when I reach the doorstep. I expect his hand to reach for the knob again but he just stares at me. A light breeze rustles through the trees sending orange and brown leaves falling and scattering through the yard, that same breeze reaches us and blows a strand of his black hair in front of his eyes. I automatically reach up, my fingers connecting with the strand to push it away, his slender fingers find my wrist though and he gently wraps them around it and holds my hand immobile in the air. The wind continues to blow around us, scattering more strands into his face but he just stands there, hand on my wrist eyes locked on mine, their amazing blue intensity practically melting me. Finally he drops my wrist and lets my hand fall to my waist, his own hand reaches out and strokes my cheek, cold fingers against cold skin. I close my eyes leaning into his touch; afraid if I leave them open my lips will undoubtedly end up on his. His hand moves away and I feel a tiny eruption of heat where it once was…his lips, on my cheek. I smile slightly and open my eyes, he’s pulled away now and his hand is on the knob, where he anyone else I would ask him what the simple action meant but I don’t dare, instead I wait patiently for him to open the door.

Dim light greets us as we enter the house, it’s warmer in the house then it was outside but there is nothing cozy about this place. No pictures align the walls, no smiling faces stare back behind clear glass, no soccer trophies line the shelves, no pictures on the refrigerator… nothing. Furniture occupies this house, furniture and appliances things with no personality no history, no memories. The house is spotless, hospital spotless, white walls and black carpet a minimalists dream house. It’s one of those houses you could walk into and you wouldn’t even know it was owned by anyone.

“I think my mom is sleeping still.” Billy whispers as he leads me through the austere hallway towards what I assume is his room. The last door at the end of the hallway is where we stop, this door is no different then the others, white surface silver knob, but I pray whatever is behind it has some character, something to prove the entire house isn’t so…dead.

It’s dark in the room when he opens the door and his hand fumbles with the side of the wall looking for the light switch, with a click the lights go on and the room is bathed in a bright glow. “This is my room.” But he didn’t have to say that I would have known without him ever speaking at all. The floor is black like the rest of the house and the walls I assume are white although it’s hard to tell for they are covered in posters and magazine clippings all of which are haphazardly thrown upon the wall in no specific order of pattern. His bed is huge and it lays in the center of the room it’s headboard against the wall, it’s bedspread is black with dark purple pillow cases adorning the pillows giving the room a sort of gothic grunge look. However to say the room is dirty or Grundy at all would be a lie, there is no clothes strewn about or garbage cluttering the floor, but the room has personality. Personality…and it is screaming Billy Martin.

He walks into the room, fitting perfectly with his surroundings; he walks past the bed and sits in front of a desk turning the rolling chair to face me. “So now you’ve seen my room.” He bites his lip and looks at me as though he is waiting for my reaction. I turn my gaze on the walls again, the bed, everything, taking it all in again mainly because I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what I am supposed to say, what he wants me to say.

“Yeah it’s nice…” I finally say as I start over to his cd case that is lying across his bed closed neatly. I open it and scan my eyes over the discs in it not really seeing them at all, my brain is thinking about Billy and the awkwardness of the situation.

I hear him sigh and then the sound of him getting off the seat and coming up towards me. He climbs onto the bed and watches as I flip through his CD’s, it’s even worst now with him so close and his gaze watching me so closely. Finally I reach the end of the collection, which is rather disappointing for me since now I will have to find something else to occupy my attention with. “Wow that’s a lot of CD’s.” I lift my eyes to him and smile, his hands come forward and he shuts the case.


I start to get off the bed but his hand stops me as it grabs a hold of my arm, “Joel…I didn’t bring you here to show you my CD collection or my other stuff….I…” I automatically stop moving and climb back on the bed sitting in front of him honestly interested in what he is going to say. “I brought you here because I have never brought anyone here…” He trails off and smiles slightly, “You’re special to me I guess.”

“Billy…” I lean forward not caring that we decided we wouldn’t kiss or touch anymore before I really knew him…this moment was a definite kissing moment and he was going to get kissed. His hands surprisingly snake around my waist and his mouth doesn’t object to my prodding tongue against his mouth. It’s pure bliss, his lips locked on mine, his hands holding me, his tongue pushing against mine and exploring every crevice of my mouth. I can’t let go…I won’t let go…

“Billy what the hell are you doing?”

I let go.

A women is standing in the doorway a shocked and disgusted expression on her face, she has blonde hair, dead blonde hair that has probably been bleached a thousand times, she’s leaning against the doorframe her eyes locked on us.

Billy pulls his hands away from me and stumbles off the bed shakily, “You’re awake..” He says nearly gasping the words as though is some incredible task to release them from his mouth.

“Uh huh.” She says while keeping her attention on me, her eyes roaming me as though she is taking in every detail of me. Finally her eyes pull away from me and they once again lock on Billy, “I thought I fuckin told you if it happened again I would kick you out, I don’t want you doing your sick gay shit in this house, you hear?” She spats the words while walking into the room towards Billy, the smell of cigarette smoke follows her like some horrendous perfume. She gets closer to Billy and her eyes narrow as she inspects his face, “You’re wearing makeup again, and what did you do to your hair?” She yanks at one of his front strands, I wince as I imagine how much it must hurt, Billy’s expression turns emotionless though as if he isn’t even listening to her as if he’s in some other place entirely. I realize I would have been crying be now…running to Benji for help and comfort. “Get your ass in the bathroom and rub that shit off you look like a fucking girl, you have been nothing but a nuisance your entire life, I should have had that abortion but no, your goddamn father had to talk me out of it, if I had known that lousy bastard was going to get in that car crash I would never have had you!”

Billy’s expression does change now, his eyes narrow in anger practically shooting daggers at her. “You fucking bitch, don’t you dare talk about my father!” He yells at her, her hand automatically comes forward connecting with his cheek leaving an angry red mark in its wake.

“You never speak like that to me Billy or I will kill you.” She says through grated teeth. He doesn’t even reach to his face he stands unmoving eyes set on her in a furious gaze, he bites his lip and I know he is trying to keep himself from crying or yelling at her.

She turns satisfied with his reaction or lack there of and she starts for the door. “Now wash your face and take your friend home, I will deal with you when you get home.” And then she is gone, the door shutting behind her.

A new kind of silence hangs over us now. Billy’s lip trembles his body shaking, his knuckles turn white as his fists hang immobile at his side. I can practically see the tidal wave of emotion that is pounding down upon him, but he wont release his tears, I suppose that would be out of character. He lowers his gaze to the floor and releases slow breaths, as though breathing has suddenly become the focus of all his attention. I don’t dare speak; afraid that my voice might force the silence hovering over us to shatter, perhaps it’s tiny shards would fall and penetrate our skin leaving deep angry gashes in wherever they hit. So I sit there on the bed, my eyes locked on him, afraid to move. I notice the curtain of his window blows a little sending a breeze into the room, chilling my skin as it passes over me. Billy’s hands leave his side as the cool air reaches him and he wraps them around his chest battling off the cold in that way. Finally his gaze traces it’s way off the floor to me, there is something apologetic about his expression.

“Joel, I have to take you home.”

I nod, still unable to say anything. He doesn’t remove his gaze from me though; he steps toward the bed however and sits in front of me. His fingers curl around one of the black bracelets I am wearing on my wrist, he pulls at it lazily while staring at the mattress. There’s something sweet and innocent about his actions… it’s almost childlike. He pulls his bottom lip into his mouth for a second sucking on it as though he is deep in thought, and then his eyes trace a line back up to my own. “Can I stay at your place for a little while?” He sounds so unsure of himself, so breakable…

“Of course, I mean if you don’t mind sharing a room with me…” I realize as soon as I say it that used in the proper context it could sound severely sexual.

He smiles softly, a sad smile that is barely noticeable, “Thanks Joel…I just don’t want to come home tonight.” His eyes glaze with a light film of water as he says those words…he is going to cry I realize. He bites his lip again in an effort to keep himself from sobbing; I wonder why he is so intent upon not crying. His lip trembles from underneath his teeth that are biting fiercely into it, a speck of blood drips from his lip making a crimson trail down his chin.

“Billy…” I want to say something comforting, I want to tell him it’s okay to cry. He shakes his head though and starts to get up, my arm reaches for him determined to get him to talk to me or at least get him to cry freely, it’s almost painful watching him keep the tears back. He shoves my arm away, but I reach for him again, this time I grip his shoulder and I pull him back down and towards me, his chest collides with mine as he falls back onto the bed and suddenly we are sprawled out on the bed he on top of me and my back pressed into the mattress. “Talk to me…” I whisper inches from his face. He shakes his head and a single tear escapes from one of his eyes and it is in that moment that he breaks. Blue eyes flood, tears escape in a rapid current salt and water and makeup mixing to form the messy black lines that are trailing down his cheeks. His lips release a sob and he shoves his face into my chest crying into my shirt. I wrap my arms around him soothing him with the gentle motion of my hands rubbing his back. I can feel his tears as they seep through my shirt and I can feel the vibration of his stomach as he heaves and releases his heavy sobs and tears. His fingers tighten around my back as if I am a life support and if he were to let go of me, his world would crumble.

“Shhh..” I mumble into his hair kissing it lightly afterwards, I can still smell the faint scent of berries as I brush my lips against his head. I notice his sobbing is slowing down and a sort of calm has fallen over him, he sniffles slightly but still refuses to pull his face from my chest. So we lay there, me listening to the gentle calming of his heartbeat and him just content to be held. I close my eyes and it is only minutes later that I feel him shift and then his soft lips against my cheek, I open my eyes to look at him and he pulls himself off me untangling our limbs and sitting up. I sit up as well, as I look at him now I can see the affects his crying has had on his face, bloodshot blue eyes stare back at me his cheeks stained with chaotic black lines.

“Thank you…you wont tell…”He trails off and stares at his hands his lip trembling again as though he is going to cry again.

“No of course not.” I quickly say. He nods solemnly and stands up moving towards his closet. His hand pulls the door open and he unenthusiastically yanks clothes from the hangers, after grabbing a few pairs of clothes he shuts the closet and moves back towards the bed setting the clothes down in a neat pile in front of me.

“I just need to grab some stuff then we can go to your place.” He says as he exits the room disappearing for what seems hours, when he returns his make up is perfectly reapplied and he’s changed into a long sleeved shirt, I don’t ask him the reason for his change or the reason he took so long. He starts toward the bed and grabs his clothes throwing them in a bag with the things he got out of the bathroom when he is all packed his now dim blue eyes fall on me. “Time to go Joel.” I rise from the bed and approach him, his hand slips into mine, which has become somewhat of a custom a ritual and he pulls me out of the room and back into the dull hallway. Nothing has changed about the house since I last explored its inner sanctum, no it’s still as dead and lifeless as before but only now does it seem so cruel, a prison rather then a house. I half expect to hear Billy’s mother as he pulls me through the house but she is in her room again and she says nothing to us as we pass her door. Cold air greets us as we exit the house, it’s darker out now, no not night but day is still wearing thin. It’s actually very beautiful out, a perfect autumn day I want to rake leaves and jump in the piles like me and Benji did when we were kids but things aren’t so simple now.

We make our way to the car and get in, he doesn’t bother to put on music, I suppose that would ruin the somber mood of the moment. We drive in silence, I of course am dying to speak, I want to rattle off every thought in my head I want him to laugh to smile, I want him to…, I want him to…hmm I really don’t know what I really want from him at the moment. It’s odd with him because although our lips are no strangers to each other it seems that we however are. I search my mind for one normal conversation I might have had with him but I come up with nothing because nothing is normal with Billy. I wonder for a moment if we will ever get to the point where he trusts me enough to talk with me about trivial things like dishwasher detergent and TV shows or just anything at all. Take down your guard Billy martin that’s all I want from you. Take down your guard and throw it away and let me in.

“Your brother wont mind me staying for a while will he?”

“What?” I’m caught off guard by his question mainly because I wasn’t paying one bit of attention to him or anything else at the moment, too busy with my thoughts I guess.

“Benji…he won’t mind will he?”

“Oh no, of course not, he thinks your cool.”

He nods, and it is then I notice we are turning into my driveway. “Yeah sure he does.” Billy says sarcastically while stopping the car and climbing out moving towards the back of the car to pull his things from the trunk, Benji is out of the house in two seconds, a huge grin spread across his face. “You’re back!!” He yelps as he runs toward us yanking me into his arms in hug. “I was worried about you.” I can hear the sincerity in his tone as he speaks. “Next time you kidnap my brother Billy, you need to ask my permission.” Benji scolds Billy playfully while pulling away from our hug and wrapping his arm around my waist his attention turning to Billy.

“Yeah umm I’ll try and remember that.” Billy yanks his bag from the back and slams the trunk giving Benji a small smile, or what I would assume is a smile, I’m not sure since he doesn’t look very happy.

“Guess who is over!!??” Benji asks already switching his attention back to me. I roll my eyes and shake my head.

“Hmm Tony?” It’s the obvious answer I know I am correct, and I also know if I am I don’t want to be correct.

“Yeah, he spent the night last night, you don’t mind do you?” No of course I don’t mind Benji, I have Billy why the hell would I mind?

“I do.” Fuck, fuck, fuck…why does my mouth not work like a normal persons, why is it every fucking thing I think ends up coming out of my mouth?

“Oh…” He trails off as though he is thinking of what to say he obviously hadn’t expected that reply either.

“Benji no, it’s okay I don’t know why I said that, have fun with Tony okay?” I try to sound as sincere as possible, trying to hide the fact that I am lying through my teeth. He automatically smiles and wraps me in a quick hug, “Have I told you lately that you are wonderful?”

“Yes a million times.” I laugh, gracious for the break in the seriousness mood that seems to cloak me when I am around Billy.

“No Joel.” He says as he pulls away his brown eyes staring at me, “You are wonderful” then he pulls away and bounds back up the driveway, “I’m ordering a veggie pizza!” He shouts with his back to us as he enters the house. I don’t answer though or really hear him his words are still replaying in my mind, ‘you are wonderful’ not because of they’re meaning but how he had said them almost as if…

“Joel.” Billy’s voice, I turn and face him, he’s standing watching me with his bag swung over his shoulder I realize it’s the same bag he uses at school I recognize it by the patches adorning it.

“Yeah?” I ask as I stare at him noticing for the millionth time that he is the hottest thing on earth. He shakes his head and whispers a breathy, ‘nothing’ and starts toward me once again pulling my hand into his.


It’s the first thing I think of as I walk into the room and lay my eyes on Tony and Benji. They are sprawled out on the couch Tony’s arm snakes all the way around my brother he’s whispering something in Benji’s ear I watch as his tongue snakes out gently brushing with Benji’s earlobe. Benji smiles, grins really and leans in closer to Tony, well if it’s possible for him to get any closer then he just did. Yes, Velcro is what they remind me of, two sides of a whole otherwise useless without the other and so stuck to each other it’s impossible to imagine them without each other. Damn, am I making any sense? Oh whatever screw it…just think about Velcro and how it consists of two sides that would inevitably be useless without each other.

Tony looks up finally as we walk in the room, his blue eyes trailing from me to Billy and finally resting once again on me, “Hey girls.” He says with a severe lack of enthusiasm he seems kind of tired like he stayed up all night and he’s tired as fuck but staying up anyway.

“Hey,” I offer lamely. Benji is looking at us now, he still has yet to pull himself away from Tony but he’s at least giving us his attention now. I turn my attention to Benji then, “Billy is staying a few days.” I say flatly suddenly feeling tired myself as if out of nowhere I became suddenly drained of everything…hmm must be Tony. Still though, Tony isn’t supposed to bug me, maybe if he wasn’t so fuckin hot, maybe if I could tell myself that him and Benji weren’t going to be together forever but I don’t know that and I can’t lie to myself. I steal a quick glance at Tony again trying to figure out why the hell I hate him so much, maybe it’s because he’s so damn skinny, I watch as he stretches his shirt inching up revealing his stomach and the waistband of his boxers…I swear I’ve seen girls with bigger waists then him, but no that’s not it. I myself am skinny, well not that skinny but skinny enough to not get jealous of really skinny guys. Hmm…maybe it’s just the fact that he is so hot, blonde hair blue eyes cute sleepy look, or maybe…maybe it is just because he is with my brother and it wouldn’t matter who he was or what he looked like I would still hate him anyway.

“That’s cool, me and Tony were going to watch movies tonight anyway, you guys can join us. Since tomorrow is Sunday we were going to try and do something amazing, I don’t know what yet but you guys can hang out with us tomorrow too, how about it?” Benji’s voice automatically sends my attention whirling back to him.

“Uh yeah that’s cool.” I say, realizing I actually only heard the last three words he said.

He grins and shifts his gaze to Tony, “Aw Joel and Billy are going to bond with us tonight baby.” I cringe as I hear the baby coming out of his mouth directed at Tony, it’s just weird I guess but Tony doesn’t seem to mind the nick name, Tony leans in and pushes his lips against Benji’s, metal meeting with metal and lips with lips. I can’t watch this it’s aggravating how Benji’s tongue slips out tracing over Tony’s bottom lip and plays with his lip ring before prodding it’s way into Tony’s mouth. I look away and yank Billy toward my bedroom telling him we need to put his stuff away when really I just want out of there. He follows me to my room, which is of course a mess again, the bed is unmade and Benji and Tony’s clothes is strewn about the room. Unfuckin believable, they screwed in my bed in my room. Actually it’s not surprising for some odd reason Benji seems to hang out in my room more then his own, still though it does kind of piss me off, I could have lived my entire life without knowing they were actually already screwing. “Sorry for the mess.” I say apologetically wondering what Billy thinks of the mess. I look at him and notice he has placed his stuff in the corner of the room by the closet and he’s standing awkwardly against the bedpost watching me.

“It’s fine.” He assures me as he wraps his arm around the black pole and leans against it as if he is using it to support himself. I don’t think he means anything sexual by the pose but just watching his slender fingers grip the pole and his thin body pressed against it so closely is making me want to jump him. I avert my eyes from him towards my unmade bed again knowing if I look at him any longer things will get horribly embarrassing.

Benji chooses that moment to pop his head in the doorway, “We are going to put in the first movie are you guys going to come join us?” He asks as his eyes stop on me. Well although watching movies with them isn’t exactly my favorite idea in the world it would keep me from thinking about Billy.

“Sounds like fun we’ll be there in two seconds.”

Benji nods and pulls his head out of the door; I shift my gaze back to Billy who is still leaning on the pole staring at me. He bites his lip and sits down on my messy unmade bed, “Are you and him…” He doesn’t continue though he just stares at me as though it is expected that I know what he is trying to say.

“Are we what?”

“Together?” My jaw must drop three thousand feet when he says that word, where the hell did he ever get that thought?

“No…we’re twins, he’s my brother, he’s with Tony.” I state all the things that have been going through my head, all the things I think about when Benji’s comforting is more then brotherly all the things that keep Benji from being my Benji and instead of Tony’s.

He shrugs, “Just kinda seemed like there was something there.” He stands up starting for the door, as if the conversation meant nothing as if we were talking about toothpaste or something.

“He’s my brother…” I say again but not for him, for me…for me because he doesn’t need the convincing I do. The thing is he is my brother and I’m not in love with him, no he doesn’t possess Billy’s blue eyes or his pouty lips or his quiet charm, no, I’m just jealous, unaccustomed to seeing my brother bonding with anyone else but me.

“Come on Joel let’s go watch the movie.” He says while nodding as if he understands what I am trying to say perfectly. I don’t bother to try and say anything else I follow him out of the room joining Benji and Tony in the den where they are once again stuck to each other like Velcro.

“So what are we watching?” I ask trying to get them to peel their eyes off each other for just one moment. They look at me surprise evident on their faces as though they hadn’t expected me to actually come join them.

Benji opens his mouth to answer me but the doorbell rings, “Shit the pizza guy is here.” He quickly detaches himself from Tony and rushes out of the room towards the front door. Tony laughs slightly as he watches Benji run out of the room his low pants practically falling off his ass. When Benji is gone an uncomfortable silence falls over us none of us know what we are supposed to say. Finally Tony rescues us by announcing he is thirsty and that he wants a beer, he gets up and starts for the kitchen. I sigh and drag Billy toward the other couch he sits down next to me, not as close as Benji and Tony were but considerably close.

“I’m thinking…” He starts slowly almost as if he is still thinking about what he is going to say, “If Steve is dead, you do realize I am going to get caught and most likely arrested.” He looks at me carefully inspecting my face for my thoughts on the subject.

“You could run…and even if they do catch you you’re not going to be charged as guilty, it was self defense they can’t arrest you for trying to stay alive.” I say reassuringly not wanting to think that something as beautiful as him could be locked up in prison. I don’t even want to think of what would happen to him if he was put in prison, shit he’d be like the prison bitch boy…he would never last.

“You don’t run away from a self defense killing Joel, don’t you think that will look a little odd? Look I don’t want you to worry about it, I’ll figure something out, but if the cops ever come here, don’t lie for me, I hate having people do me favors, just turn me in Joel. Promise you will turn me in Joel.” Intensely he stares at me, and I know I cant say no to him, although I know saying I will turn him in is a lie. I nod slowly.

“I’ll turn you in.”

He sighs in relief, “Good.”

Luckily Benji returns then, I’m happy for the distraction because thinking about Billy going to jail is too much. “Pizza Time!!” Benji laughs as he enters the room carrying the pizza box on his palm like a waitress might carry a tray of food. His eyes scan over us finally noticing Tony is missing. “Where’s Tony?”

I point towards the kitchen, “Oh.” Benji shrugs and sits down on the opposite couch positioning the pizza box on the coffee table in front of us. “Tony get your ass out here the pizza is going to get cold!” He yells from his position on the couch while opening the box. Tony appears in the doorway seconds later holding a beer as he walks over to us I can smell pot, I don’t even have to guess what he was doing in the kitchen I’m just surprised I didn’t notice the smell coming from the kitchen…hmm maybe he smoked it outside and came back in through the side entrance, oh whatever who gives a fuck. He sits down next to Benji but he doesn’t even look at the pizza, he shoves his beer onto the table and turns to Benji. Benji is busy pulling a piece of pizza from the box the cheese practically oozing onto his hands, Tony leans forward his tongue is needy and persistent as it shoves its way into Benji’s mouth. Benji pushes him away giving him a surprised look, “Tony I’m trying to eat.”

“I know…” Tony whines “But you are so edible, I’d rather eat you instead.” I roll my eyes as the words leave Tony’s mouth, unfortunately my brother seems to find it sweet he grins and picks up another piece of pizza shoving it toward Tony.

“Well then I can be your dessert, in the mean time eat some real food, you’re too skinny.” I laugh even though no one else does, it just seems funny to me I swear our mom used to say the same thing to me when we were growing up, ‘eat Joel you are too skinny’, I guess it’s just funny because it seems like a weird line to use on your boyfriend.

Tony takes the pizza and takes a rather unwilling bite of it as if it is the hardest task he has ever performed. “It’s not poison.” Benji laughs but it’s not funny well at the moment it is, but of course at the moment none of us know that Tony isn’t going to touch the pizza again all night, or any other food all night, actually Tony probably wont eat again for two or four days save for light snacks like an apple or some other nothing food. But we don’t know that so we laugh and for the moment nothing is wrong I can pretend Billy isn’t hiding from the cops and Tony isn’t Benji’s boyfriend, as long as I’m laughing I don’t have to think.

When we finally stop laughing we put in the movie, some horrible horror movie from the 80’s with horrible special effects it’s amusing though if only because its so bad. Halfway through the movie I hear Benji laugh softly and then Tony’s voice, “Shhh they’ll hear.” I look over at Billy whose head is resting on my shoulder his soft breathing blowing on my face in a calm gentle rhythm. He’s asleep, he fell asleep during the first twenty minutes of the movie actually, well I really can’t blame him we did get up at 5 or something. After making sure Billy is asleep I look over at Tony and Benji who are laying on the couch, they are under a blanket now. Tony complained about being cold on the last bathroom break so Benji got him a blanket, I don’t know when Benji got under the blanket with him but I’m figuring he didn’t get under it because he was cold. Tony’s lips are on Benji’s neck tracing kisses down it, his hands are both hidden under the blanket but I know what they are doing, I know because Benji’s eyes are closed his teeth pushing painfully on his lower lip as though he’s holding in a moan. I almost want to throw a pillow at them, anything to get Tony to stop jacking my brother off. I don’t do anything though I avert my attention back to the screen and try to ignore Benji I even manage to keep my eyes glued to the screen when Benji does finally moan followed by a whispered, ‘Oh shit, Tony you’re amazing.’

I’m not going to think about them, ignore them, ignore them, ignore them….

“Hey Joel are you still awake?” Benji undoubtedly is only asking because him and Tony probably want to fuck.

“Yeah Benji?” I ask boredly trying not to sounds angry even though I am, you do not let your boyfriend jack you off three feet away from your brother, that’s just wrong, but I suppose Benji was absent the day we learned about the Do’s and Don’ts of gay dating.

“Nothing just making sure you weren’t sleeping during this kick ass movie.” Yeah sure Benji, and I’m so sure if I asked you any of the characters names right now you would have no fuckin clue what to say because you haven’t watched one moment of the movie, no it seems like Tony is the only thing you're interested in.

“Oh yeah it’s a great movie, fuckin fantastic!” I say sarcastically failing at holding my anger in, I push Billy awake his blue eyes open slowly and he looks at me in confusion.

“What?” He asks through a yawn.

“Come on we’re going to bed.” I pull him to his feet somewhat like one might do to a rag doll; slowly we walk to my room collapsing on the bed as soon as we get there. Billy rolls towards me and wraps his arms around me nuzzling his face into my chest, he’s asleep in an instant it’s almost like he was never awake I guess I never realized how tired he was. I however am not tired, I’m mad and scared, mad at Benji and scared I will lose the most beautiful thing in the world to a tainted prison.

Don’t think about it, I tell myself. I do think about it, all night it seems to be the only thought in my head, and I cant fall asleep my eyes just refuse to stay closed and I end up slipping out of the bed away from Billy’s sweet grasp and making my way toward the kitchen determined to get so drunk every problem will just float away.

Darkness surrounds me as I enter the kitchen, a dull lonely darkness penetrated only by the moons yellow glow that shines dimly through the kitchen window. I make my way to the refrige praying it’s contents will not disappoint me, hoping for it’s white shelves to be overflowing with cans and bottles of alcohol. My hand falls on the handle, my fingers anxious to reveal the contents of the refrigerator, a hand falls on mine however, thin graceful fingers wrap themselves around mine and I know immediately whom it is. I turn, letting my eyes take in all of him in the dimly lit room, “Joel.” He pronounces my name slowly as his fingers pull away from my hand and he stands staring at me. He looks adorable…if adorable is even a word allowed in describing someone as mysterious and beautiful as Billy Martin. His hair is disheveled from sleep his chest bare of any shirt and his black pants hanging severely low revealing gray boxers. He moves backward so he is leaning against the counter his stare still unwavering from me.

“I woke up and you were gone...what are you doing?” Something about the way he is looking at me tells me he already knows what I was planning on doing and I have to wonder why he asked the question. I drop my hand from the refrigerator handle as if just holding it will make me look guilty.

“I was thirsty…my throat is dry.” I don’t know why I lie, he’s not my mother or my keeper…why the hell should he care if I was going to get drunk off my ass? He nods, accepting the answer, but whether or not he really believes it I don’t know. He yawns then, stretching as he does so, his skin tightens around his ribs almost amplifying his skinniness as he lifts his arms over his head and arches his back backwards. I try not to stare at his chest but I find my eyes incapable of pulling their gaze from him. When he finishes yawning he pulls his arms back down pulling them behind his back and rocking on the soles of his feet as he looks at me.

“So are you going to get your drink?” He asks with interest waiting for me to open the refrigerator.

“Yeah…umm sure.” I practically stutter the words I’ve become so nervous under his gaze. I turn and place my hand on the handle again and pull the silver door open, a cold draft escapes the refrigerator as I stand there, it seems to coil around me twisting it’s way around me and chilling my chest even through my thin t-shirt. My eyes roam the shelves looking for some other beverage rather than the beer that sits so contently on the first shelf just begging to be drunk. I feel Billy’s long arms wrap around my waist his chest hot against my back; his lips roam the back of my neck.

“You see anything you want to drink?” He asks while trailing his lips down my neck. I gulp nervously and shake my head but it’s partially a lie because there is something I want to drink...his cum and nothing else at the moment.

I shut the refrigerator door, the cold automatically releases me from it’s grasp and the light that flooded from the open refrigerator disappears leaving us once again in the moonlit lighted kitchen…alone. He unwraps his arms from me and walks toward the counter so he is once again leaning against it. “You should come back to bed.” Nothing more does he say, with those words he walks away from the counter and out of the kitchen leaving me to wonder if his presence in the room was even real or some hallucination. My neck still burns however where his lips had kissed me so I know he was really with me. I know I could drink now, after all there isn’t a very big chance that he is going to come in again but a part of me knows very well I’d feel too guilty if I drank now. A little reluctantly I make my way back to my bedroom not at all disappointed when I walk in the room and find Billy sitting against the headboard with the lights on waiting for me. He pats the spot next to him a smile curving across his lips “Come here.”

“What?” As usual my brilliant brain fails to make my mouth say anything sexy or smart.

He laughs, “God you’re cute…now come here.”

I stare dumbfounded…wondering if my ears are just fucking with me or if Billy really did just call me cute. He sighs after my too long hesitation and he scoots down so his head is on the pillow, “Fine…obviously you aren’t in the mood.” He says as he rolls over on his side, his hand reaching for the lamp.

Come on brain click in anytime now…”Billy wait…I just, I thought you were kidding.” I say swiftly begging him to look at me again.

“Whatever.” He mumbles back, however he does pull his arm away and he rolls over onto his back so he can look at me. I step toward the bed, a little nervously, Billy watches me in interest his expression giving away no clue to his thoughts. I crawl onto the bed towards him when I am kneeling beside him he tugs on me pulling me on top of him so I am straddling him. I look down at him his blue eyes stare back their amazing intensity practically boring holes in me. He slides his hands up the sides of my waist pushing my shirt up over my head and tossing it on the floor. “Make love to me.” He doesn’t state it or ask it really…I cant even describe how he says it but it’s perfect. I nod and lean forward sliding my tongue along his lower lip my tongue brushing with the medal of his lip ring. His mouth greedily pulls my tongue into it and he sucks lightly on it, his hands kneading the flesh on my back. I push my hips into him grinding against him; I can feel his hardness pushing against my thigh, he wants me…that’s all my mind can digest at the moment…Billy Martin wants me. His fingers leave my back and make a slow descent to the zipper of my pants, my own hands fumble with his belt determined to remove it and all other articles of clothing that stand between us. His tongue pulls out of my mouth and he pulls on my bottom lip with his teeth while finally undoing my pants and pulling my pants down. I moan as his mouth finds mine again and our tongues battle within each others mouths. I finally remove his belt, but I have to pull my mouth away from his for a moment so I can unzip his pants. When we are both fully undressed he slinks his way out from under me and pushes me onto my stomach. “Do you have lube?” He asks as he climbs off the bed. I shake my head, feeling a little stupid for not carrying such an essential item.

He bites his lip in thought for a moment and then bends over digging through his suitcase, seconds later he stands up with a bottle of hair gel in his hands. “This will have to work.” He says while climbing back on the bed and squeezing some of it into his hands and rubbing it along the length of his shaft. I watch his actions carefully unable to pull my eyes away for even a second. It’s so natural the way his hands move up and down his shaft leaving glistening wet gel in their wake. When he is done he climbs over me, “This is probably going to hurt.” He cautions me, “If you want me to stop just tell me.” I nod not knowing what to expect since anal sex isn’t one of the things I do in my spare time. “Okay you ready?” I nod again and close my eyes, seconds later I feel him slowly entering me, it hurts, god it hurts, I close my eyes even tighter and grip the sheets. Even farther he enters me, I whimper slightly and grit my teeth together determined to not let him know how bad it hurts. He continues in this fashion and soon begins a slow rhythmic motion pounding slowly into me, it hurts but at the same time it’s the greatest feeling in the world, pain mixed with pleasure…I realize I love the mixture. Eventually his pounding becomes less painful and all I can feel is the wonderful pleasure, I wonder what it feels like to be on his end of things, the one on top. I moan loudly my moaning over powers his grunting and groaning and then suddenly his sticky warm cum fills me and he collapses onto my back his arms snaking around me and his heart pounding against my back.

It burns now, and I am suddenly aware of the fact that I am most likely bleeding, but I lay there content to listen to his breathing and his heartbeat. I feel his fingers run through my hair playing with the short strands and then his lips on my neck. “Perfect.” He mumbles, “So perfect.”

Finally he rolls off of me and he pulls me back onto my back, his eyes freeze on mine and concern fills his blue pools. “You were crying…I hurt you.” He says as he traces the dried tears. “Why didn’t you tell me to stop?”

“It’s fine.” I mutter back while leaning forward and pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. He pulls me to him; my head pressing against his chest his fingers landing in my hair again as he gently strokes my hair. I feel safe in his arms, safe and content and I realize this is so much more satisfying then what I had initially planned on doing tonight.

“Goodnight Joel.” Hi whispers while he reaches toward the lamp and switches it off. I smile in the dark a secret smile I know he can’t see. “Goodnight Billy…” I love you. Of course those three words die on my lips. He kisses my cheek softly once more before closing his eyes letting sleep consume him. I don’t fall asleep right away of course, I just lay there until my eyes have adjusted to the light and then I watch him sleep, wishing just watching him could make the moment last forever…knowing it wont.
Light filters in through the blinds causing my eyes to blink as they adjust to the light. I roll over expecting to be met with the thin gentle slope of Billy’s back but instead empty space greets me, empty space and a cold mattress. I sigh and roll onto my back letting my eyes stare at the ceiling as if it might give me some answer as to why I have such rotten luck. As I am laying there my door squeaks open and Benji comes bouncing into the room.

“Joel, I thought you wanted to hang with us today? Are you going to get up soon?” He asks as he makes his way over to my bed and stands beside it towering over me.

“I don’t know.” I say and shut my eyes rolling over wishing he would go away so I could stay in bed feeling sorry for myself.

“Aww…come on Joel, you’re the only one not up. Tony went out to put gas in the car, Billy is taking a shower and you are still in bed, as soon as Billy gets out of the shower and Tony gets back we will be ready to go…so…you need to get up.” I feel the covers pull away from my body; the lack of covers nearly instantly freezes me.

“Dammit Benji.” I howl as I open my eyes and sit up trying to yank the blankets away from him.

His brows furrow in confusion for a moment and he releases the blankets slowly, “God Joel don’t have a heart attack I was just trying to get you up, I really want to hang out with you today…but whatever if you don’t want to that’s cool I guess.” He sighs and turns away a look of disappointment on his face. “So I guess you and Billy are going to do something else then?” He looks at me again his eyes pleading for me to say something contradictory to what he just asked.

“No I do want to hang with you today, I’m just being stupid Benji and an asshole, ignore me I’ll be ready in a little bit okay?” He grins at my response and runs forward jumping on the bed and flinging his arms around me. I can’t help but think about his activities with Tony last night and I automatically push him away quickly sliding out of his grasp and climbing off the bed.

He stares at me more confused and shocked then I could have imagined he ever could be by such a little action done by me. “Joel…?” He doesn’t know what to say.

“I need to get ready, just go wait for Tony to get back, I’m sure you’ll have more fun with him anyway.” I pull my attention from him and I begin to rummage through my closet, I feel his eyes on my back as my eyes roll over the contents of my closet.

“Tony…” He sighs, “You just cant get over your jealousy can you?”

He did not just say that…he did not. I turn and cast my eyes on him, “Just leave Benji.” I say through grated teeth trying to keep myself from punching him.

“No. Joel this isn’t fair and you know it, I don’t get mad at you and Billy being together so how is it okay for you to g mad at Tony and me. I like him Joel, I like him a lot but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. God Joel stop acting like such a little kid.”

A little kid, maybe that is how I am acting…

“Benji…” I open my mouth to say something but suddenly I have nothing to say, I don’t feel like arguing and I am certainly not going to agree with him. I close my mouth and turn back to my closet pulling from it a shirt and pants. I walk past him with the clothes in my hand toward the door, “I’ll be in the bathroom.” He doesn’t say anything while I exit the room and I suppose I am grateful for that at the present I don’t think I could have thought of a response to anything he might say.

I walk towards the bathroom, and it is only when I am directly in front of the bathroom door that I remember Billy is taking a shower. I listen in silence for a few moments to the steady drum of the water hitting the tiles, I cant help but wonder what it would be like to be in there with him. Finally the water turns off and it is only then that I realize I’ve been standing outside the bathroom door forever doing absolutely nothing but thinking about him.

“Billy?” I knock on the door.

“Yeah?” The door squeaks open and he looks at me, hair wet, mascara smeared and a thin towel wrapped around his waist held up only by his thin fingers.

“I uh…are you almost done with the bathroom?” I try not to stare…God I try not to stare but its so fucking hard. He nods and a drop of water drips from his hair onto his chest, I follow it with my eyes as it slowly slides down his chest making a slow decent towards his navel and finally disappearing under the towel.

“Joel?” His voice automatically pulls my gaze back to him. “Umm do you want to come in or something…the open door is letting in cold air.” He studies my face while he waits for my answer, I just stare back in disbelief…did he really just invite me into the bathroom with him?

“Umm I…uhh sure.” He pulls the door open wider inviting me into the steamy room. I step forward slowly inching my way into the small bathroom, as soon as the door closes I realize it feels like a sauna, Billy seriously must have taken the hottest shower on earth.

“I’m leaving.” Billy states very clearly as he pulls on his pants under his towel. My eyes go wide for a moment.


He nods, “I have to.” He looks up at me after putting on his pants his blue eyes locking gazes with my own brown eyes.

“What…but why?”

He shakes his head offering me no further explanation and he reaches down into his bag for a shirt, a few seconds later he stands back up with a wile Silverchair T-shirt in his hand that he proceeds to slip over his mop of wet hair. “I’ll come back…. eventually.” He turns to face the mirror now and swiftly swipes his hand across the fogged mirror clearing a spot to see his reflection. I watch him for a moment as my mind tries to fathom what he is talking about; he just ignores my stare and begins to meticulously apply his gel to his hair making sure he adds just enough to create the desired consistency of water and gel he needs for styling his hair. I realize as I watch him that I am slowly getting the desire to shoot him, how the hell can someone be so apathetic? ‘Oh Joel last night was great…oh, by the way I’m leaving, guess you’ll have to find a new boyfriend huh? Oooh look at my new makeup…’ Okay okay so maybe he isn’t being that big a jerk but seriously had he said that it probably would have felt the same to me.

“I thought…” I sigh, hmm now what genius thing can I say now? “But what about last night?” As soon as I ask those words his gaze pulls away from the mirror returning to me.

“Joel…” He lifts his hand to my face and gently traces the outline of my jaw with his index finger, “It’s only for a while.” He drops his hand and turns back to the mirror now beginning to apply makeup to his face. I sigh realizing talking to him is pointless.

“I’m going to eat breakfast.” I say dejectedly as I start for the door, “Just join me whenever.” I don’t bother to turn around or wait for his response I just open the door and leave the bathroom leaving all his yummy Billyness behind for the moment. I make my way to the kitchen with no real intent of getting breakfast I just want to go somewhere quiet somewhere I can relax.

“Sleep well?” Tony.

Damn, so much for quiet and relaxing.

I look at him as I walk into the kitchen; he’s sitting at the kitchen table his eyes eyeing the cereal in front of him. “Uh huh.” I reply as I begin to shift through the cupboards looking for my own breakfast. Of course every box of cereal I pull out is either old beyond belief or empty. Finally I give up and grab a bowl out of the sink and a spoon and I sit down at the table across from Tony. “Can I have some of that?” I ask as I eye the cereal box in front of him. He nods and pushes it towards me, as I take it from him my eyes sweep over his bowl again and I realize he still has yet to take one single bite of his cereal. “Are you not hungry?” I ask as I lift my gaze from the bowl back to him. He shrugs and stands up lifting his bowl up with him and carrying the now soggy cereal to the sink. I watch him with curiosity as he pours the contents of the bowl into the sink; I have to wonder why he even took it if he had no intention of even eating it. He leaves the sink and comes back over to the table so he is once again sitting across from me.

“So uh where is Benji?” I ask awkwardly not really knowing what to say to him since he’s probably the one guy I cant stand more than anyone else.

“I don’t know, I just got back from putting gas in the car so I really haven’t looked around the house for him yet.”

More awkward silence…I pour the cereal into my bowl and add milk to it then I let my gaze shift to my bowl and I quietly begin munching on the colorful Trix in front of me. The sound of my chewing seems amplified because of the uneasy silence surrounding us, and as annoying as Tony is I am almost beginning to want him to say something just to kill the awkward silence.

“Umm I’m going to go look for Benji.” Finally, I almost sigh in relief I am so glad he is leaving. I watch him get up and then as he is pushing his chair in his arm accidentally bangs with the top of the hard wood chair.

“Shit.” He mumbles as he lifts his arm to his view and begins to inspect the damage. I notice right away how red the spot is, he is most definitely going to bruise. It’s not really the bruise that bugs me it’s the fact that he is going to bruise, anyone else could have hit that chair with their arm and been fine, but not someone as painfully skinny as Tony. My mind begins to turns its little wheels trying to find one incident when I did see him eat but I fail to find any.

“Tony…?” Can I really just ask him if he’s anorexic?

He looks at me, “Yeah?”

Maybe I am wrong you know…maybe he isn’t insanely skinny, maybe I am just imagining things. I look him over again, he’s leaning against the counter now, pants hanging dangerously low on his waist, a black belt with a star clasp holding them up, his red shirt hanging on him baggily and his thin arms wrapped around his chest as he stares at me waiting for me to continue. Suddenly his gaze shifts past me and he grins, “Benji.” He pushes himself away from the counter and he starts toward the entrance of the kitchen I turn my own gaze to the doorway of the kitchen where of course Benji is standing.

“Hey baby.” He doesn’t even acknowledge my presence but I suppose I can’t blame him I was being a pretty big asshole last time we did talk. Tony walks up to him and slowly leans into his arms rolling his tongue slyly over Benji’s neck, I want to shout out something mean but I know Benji would cut off my balls if I said anything else to upset him.

“It’s just you and me today baby Joel doesn’t want to join us.” I hate how he is talking as if I am not sitting in the same room as him. I stand up hastily and shove my now empty cereal bowl in the sink and quickly walk past them out of the room and of course in my hurry and with my wonderful luck I end up walking right into Billy.

His blue eyes go wide as I collide right into him sending us both crashing to the floor in a heap of tangled limbs. “Why are you leaving?” I ask instantly, not bothering to apologize for the fact that I’m laying on top of him undoubtedly crushing his small frame.

“Joel…” He sighs. “Steve is dead…James called my cell phone this morning and told me all about it. The cops are looking for me. I have to leave Joel.”

My body goes rigid as I digest his words, I feel him untangling himself from my legs and then he pushes me off of him and he stands up. He stares down at me for a moment a single tear escaping one of his beautiful blue eyes. “You’re a good kid Joel…don’t worry I’ll be back.” He says nothing else after that, I watch him from my spot on the floor as he walks out of the room and most likely out of my life forever.

Fuck, Fuck, fuck, this is the part where I jump up and run after him declaring my undying love for him while swearing if he leaves I will die. I don’t do that though I numbly sit up and stare at the opened doorway minutes later he reappears with his bag over his shoulder and his car keys in his hand. “Goodbye Joel.” A sad smile appears across his lips, and another tear falls only now as this single tear falls another one follows right behind it and then another. He swipes at the tears swiftly as if by erasing them he can erase their meaning but I saw them, and now I know…I know he really does care about me and I know he doesn’t want to leave.

“Billy don’t go.” I say softly fighting my own battle with my own tears. He shakes his head and drops his bag in the doorway and starts toward me.

“I have to.” He whispers as he kneels down in front of me placing a soft kiss on my forehead. “It’s not forever…” I feel his warm lips pull away from my forehead and he begins to stand up again, my mind yells for me to reach out and grab him forcing him to stay, but I cant…I cant do anything but watch as he stands and slowly trudges over to his bag and pulls it onto his shoulder. I can’t do anything but watch him leave.

It’s only when the door clicks closed and the sound of his car starting inches it’s way into the house that I realize what exactly just happened, and that’s when I cry. I crawl towards the couch and bury my face in the cushions sobbing uncontrollably into the soft material not caring if Benji and Tony hear, not really caring about anything at all.

Of course Tony and Benji do come in the room to investigate my loud sobbing and of course Benji’s arms find their way comfortingly around my waist. “Joel…what happened?” he mumbles while stroking my hair soothingly. I don’t answer him all I can manage is another loud sob accompanied by more salty tears. He tugs me closer to him. I hear Tony mumble something about the bathroom and then he disappears and its just me and Benji…me and Benji…Me and Benji.
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